Light…

… appears within, throwing shadows out – some frightening, some amusing, some just indecipherable. Revisiting the loathing recorded here reminds me of the path traveled.

So very grateful to have found a place where my work is respected, dreams acknowledged and hopes heard. Perfection? Of course not – who could survive such a thing? A good match? I believe so.

Of course, this is but one sphere of life.

Choosing light

Happiness is a choice, a state of mind. Beck’s assertion that we can find our North Star – our truest self – resounds within the cacophony of my mind. Can I focus on a melody of joy and hope?

The taxes in this state are formidable, but can they be any greater than the price of desperation and hopelessness?

No, the circumstances have not improved. Still no job. Still unsure how long I can keep the creditors at bay.

However, I am calmer away from THAT place. Perhaps this is my chance to revisit

The times when I lose track: playing with the dogs, reading, thinking, and painting things.

Humiliation enwraps me

Interviewed for a job with another university. Received the call this afternoon “we went with the best fit,”which wasn’t me.

Doubt that I’ll ever be a “best fit” b/c was fired from another school. Context is irrelevant. Wrongful dismissal irrelevant. None of those issues appropriate for an interview. So I bite my tongue here, then not well enough there.

Feel as if all of these years – experience, education – have no value. No way to survive… applications out all over – and nothing.  One paycheck away from poverty.

WTF.

Stranger II

No longer rants, merely observations:

Unrelenting awkwardness chafes each movement, and

I do not want to be everything to anyone.

Stranger in my bed

I leave for work; you’re asleep.

Ten or twelve hours later, I return; you’re asleep.

Night after night, I sit alone with this cursed contraption.

I attempt to sleep in our bed – you wake me up b/c I’m keeping you up.

I sleep on the sofa – you accuse me of avoiding you.

Am I the sole inhabitant of the Isle of Insanity?

Making nice.

Making nice.

King of malice.

Demand your pound of flesh.

Surrounded with flesh to slow the heart-bound journey.

Release.

Escape.

ABCs

Angry. Belligerent. Caustic.

Able. Believable. Convincing.

Awesome. Best. Champion.

Awakening. Bemused. Conflicted.

Vapid Day

Valentine’s Day  – a disappointing charade of affection, flamed by advertising and expectation.

Blood-stained Ivory Tower

Tenure track professor allegedly murders colleagues – seems to suggest that there was a problem with collegiality.

So now what?

More snow? The fates punishing me for hubris? Of course, what sort of egocentric SOB would think snow was his punishment? I gloated of how the cold was more tolerable than the heat, no whining. Damn.